The Bleached Bones of Design: A Satirical Look at Scandinavian Interiors

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6 min read
Cover image about Scandinavian design

In the hallowed halls of minimalist design, where less is more and beige is king, reigns the tyrannical overlord of interior aesthetics: Scandinavian design. KudosHouse.com informs us that this style experienced an “massive rise in popularity” in the 1990s, and apparently, there's "no stopping" this Nordic furniture trend. Prepare to be enlightened, or possibly just mildly irritated, as we delve into the stark reality of this seemingly ubiquitous design philosophy.


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The Cult of Natural Light: Or, Why Curtains Are the Enemy

Scandinavians, bless their sun-deprived hearts, are obsessed with natural light. And who can blame them? When you only get seven hours of daylight in the winter (as helpfully pointed out by KudosHouse.com), you cling to every photon like a lifeline. This explains the enormous, frameless windows, the skylights that expose your home to every passing pigeon, and the complete absence of curtains. Privacy? What's that? We're too busy basking in the ethereal glow of the 45 minutes of sunshine we get each day.

LuxeDecor.com tells us that basking in natural light is a "cherished Scandinavian custom". They suggest we “declutter window sills” and “pull up the blinds,” as if clutter and drawn blinds are the only obstacles between us and a state of perpetual enlightenment. Don't worry, they also encourage strategically placing seating by windows “to soak in all the natural, gorgeous light.” Just don't forget your SPF 1000.

But what about those long winter nights, you ask? Fear not! Electric lighting mimics the elusive sun with “low hanging pendants” and “open cage lampshades” (again, KudosHouse.com), strategically positioned to illuminate every corner of your stark white room. It's like living in a perpetually well-lit laboratory, only with fewer Bunsen burners and more faux fur throws.

Minimalism: When Less Is Definitely Less

RealSimple.com champions the minimalist aspect of Scandinavian design, reminding us that “less is more.” They suggest “paring down accessories” and creating “blank space” – because bare walls and empty shelves are the ultimate expressions of personal style. Forget about those sentimental knick-knacks or family photos; they're just clutter, standing in the way of your minimalist nirvana. Keep only what's “functional” or creates a “moment of zen,” like a strategically placed basket filled with… more emptiness.

Homesthetics.net echoes this sentiment, emphasizing the “minimalism and functionality” inherent in Scandinavian design. Apparently, this austere approach to décor creates “warm, inviting spaces.” Warm, inviting, and utterly devoid of personality. But hey, at least your house will look like an aspirational catalog photo – or perhaps a particularly stylish prison cell.

The Bland Palette: 50 Shades of Beige

RealSimple.com assures us that the "key here is simplicity" when it comes to color. White, gray, and beige are the holy trinity of Scandinavian color palettes. Occasionally, you might be permitted a splash of muted color, like “rust, olive, or navy,” but only in small doses, lest you disrupt the carefully curated monotony. After all, why have vibrant, exciting colors when you can embrace the soothing embrace of beige?

Pufikhomes.com adds insult to injury, claiming that pastel shades are a “great way to add color without taking away the feeling of lightness and relaxation.” Lightness? More like the lightness of being completely drained of any sense of joy. Relaxation? More like the dull, numb acceptance of your beige-colored fate.

Natural Materials: Because Who Needs Personality When You Have Wood?

Scandinavian design, as noted by RealSimple.com, is an “ode to nature.” This translates to a lot of wood, stone, and concrete. Think unfinished wooden floors, exposed brick walls, and concrete countertops. It's the perfect aesthetic for those who dream of living in a beautifully appointed barn – or a particularly trendy cave. Bonus points if you incorporate some sheepskin throws and live-edge tables. Just don't forget to water your fiddle-leaf fig, the sole survivor in this barren landscape of minimalist chic.

RealSimple.com also emphasizes incorporating natural textiles like linens, leathers, and wools. So, not only will your house resemble a Scandinavian forest, but it will also smell like one, too – a heady mix of pine needles, damp earth, and existential despair.

Conclusion: Embrace the Void

So there you have it: a glimpse into the bleached bones of Scandinavian interior design. If you aspire to live in a pristine, sparsely furnished space that resembles a cross between an art gallery and a monastery, then this style is for you. Just be prepared to sacrifice warmth, personality, and any semblance of individuality at the altar of minimalist chic. And for goodness sake, don’t forget the faux fur.

References and Resources

10 Scandinavian Design Lessons Archives | Homesthetics

Stunning Scandinavian Interior Design Ideas – KudosHouse.com

How this IKEA Besta cabinet got a stunning new look

How To Hygge: 8 Scandinavian Design Lessons

Scandinavian style in interior design. Beautiful photos of apartments and houses in Sweden, Denmark, Norway. Scandinavian design

9 Scandinavian Decor Ideas for a Tranquil Home

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